I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my shit smells like andre
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
