and you said cock pushups were impossible
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
