my mouth tastes like poor choices
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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