How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
