There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
That was an excessively violent trivia night
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
