Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
