textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
