remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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