I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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