dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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