The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
