I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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