my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm passing your future prison.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
