I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
