You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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