just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
