we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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