Your mouth is God's brothel.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
