I bet he comes in French.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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