no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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