it's too hot outside to masturbate.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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