We need to rekindle our bromance
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
