idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
