the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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