I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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