i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.