We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
