He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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