On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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