well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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