Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
