I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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