I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
