I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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