I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
