I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
