she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
