"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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