I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
