Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I cut my penus on the lid.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
