It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
