I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
