i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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