I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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