i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
