I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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