hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
