that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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