I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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