Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
