he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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