I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think people are normalizing furries
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
