haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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