White coat. Heels.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
