i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
