im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
