Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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