I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i will never coherently bang her
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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